Saturday 14 October 2017




LEARNING TO LIVE WITHOUT EMPATHY


As an aspiring journalist, I usually concentrate on news when writing a blog. However this time I'm not. I want to explain a bit about myself and why I am in trouble. 

Most people see the world exactly as it is. They take someone at face value, see the surface and have no idea about who that person is other then via their behaviour and body language. They can watch a news story and face it with practical eyes. If a major news story happens where a lot of people are hurt, they can be saddened and shocked, as would anyone, but then they can carry on with their own lives without thinking too much about it. It's just another news story. 

They can spend time in a crowd and not be bothered by it. They can see only what their eyes tell them. And they can experience stuff when it happens and not know what may happen later. 

This is not me. I am described accurately as an empath. I see the world differently from other people. I am also an HSP, but that is something else and is related, but is a discussion for another time. Right now, we are talking about being an empath. Here are a few examples to help you understand what I am. It's not something I can turn on or off. It's a part of me just as your eyesight is a part of you.

 If I meet someone I know instantly if they are trustworthy or not. Because I will be able to pick up on the energy the are projecting my way. If I feel any bad vibes from them, I walk away. When I went to college as soon as I met my tutor, she projected such bad energy that she gave me the creeps. She didn't even have to open her mouth. I knew she was trouble. I should have walked away right there and then, but I needed to get my education. As it turned out I was right and thanks to her, my education collapsed. 

At the other end of the spectrum: Five years ago I met my friend Bill Neely for the first time. He was exactly the opposite to the tutor. He was open and generous with his emotions and was hiding nothing except his own private thoughts. I felt nothing but good vibes from him. I knew the instant I met him that I could trust him 100%. I know I still can. We have been friends ever since and I consider it a privilege.



Then there are people who are half and half. They seem nice, but something is hidden underneath. I don't mean secrets exactly, as everyone is entitled to their privacy, but more that there is a side to them that they don't want you to see, even though they are acting friendly enough. These are the people to be most wary of: they are not necessarily bad people, but as they are hiding something, they are not to be instantly trusted. These are the ones that you learn to trust over time. Of course, they could be an empath and they are putting up a wall for their own protection. This is vital to our survial, in a world full of emotion otherwise we would absorb them like a sponge and they would overwhelm us to the point of insanity.



Take news events. One of the strongest memories I have of my empathy was on 9/11. At about 1pm (8am New York) I set off to go to my afternoon shift in the Cinema. Something was bothering me. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew something was out of place. The atmosphere felt just weird. I tried to shut it out but it was too much.  I arrived at work at 2.10 (9.10 am in New York) just after plane 175 hit the south tower of the World Trade Centre. I hadn't seen this, but I knew something was wrong and it was very serious. As I walked in, my friend said,"Come upstairs and see this!". I knew what he was going to show me before I even got there. A disaster, an unimaginable one. As soon as I saw the images on TV, everything clicked into place. And you can imagine how I felt for the  rest of the day as a person who is an emotional magnet.

Everytime there is an attack anywhere I feel the pain and the confusion of what is happening. And I can't shut it out. Sometimes it can be awful. but I just have to erect the wall and hope it holds up. That why empaths and HSP's tend to not watch the news because they can't handle the upsetting images or cope with the tsunami of emotions that go with it, both their own and from the people involved. The other one that affected my senses quite badly was the Boston Marathon. 

Let's move onto some fun stuff, when being an empath can be fun. 

Trying to plan a surprise for an empath is virtually impossible, because they know you are up to something. Don has virtually given up trying to surprise me with presents, because I know I'm getting it. Now he just asks me what I want instead.

There are times being in a crowd is wonderful. For instance, I love going to the London Marathon, because everyone is happy. All I get are amazing lovely vibes from feeling the happiness of people all sharing the same joy of helping charity and running with others. The only pain I feel is - as the last time - if my friends are struggling because of injury. Other than that though, it's just happiness and joy. The London Marathon in 2013 was even more emotionally charged as we were supporting the people of Boston. It felt incredible.

So why am I in trouble? Well, basically and simply, my empathy - for whatever reason - has suddenly switched off. A friend who lives near me suggested that my emotions have become so overwhelmed, that they have shut off as a form of self protection, a more permanent wall, shall we say. Which makes absolutely perfect sense.

I am now seeing the world the same way as everyone else does. Unfortunately, I don't know how to work like that because I've never had to.

I can't live this way. I am trying to, but it is very hard not having the survial instinct that has served me so well in the past. To use an example of my friend Bill: you have to work out whether it is safe to go another hundred yards up a road. I wouldn't have to try and work it out. I would know. Except at the moment I'm as clueless as everyone else.

Bill once described it as 'emotional intelligence', which is a delightful and accurate description. But now I don't have it, does that mean I'm suddenly emotionally stupid? Well, no....and yes. No, because I still feel emotion. However, there is only mine rather than everyone else's. But yes, because my empathy is a part of me, so it's more accurate to say I'm emotionally blind. I can't sense danger the way I used to or anyone being in a room before I even walk in and the most dangerous thing is I can't tell a person's true motives.

Trying to live without my emotional intelligence is terrifying, confusing and worse of all intolerable. I am hoping it is just temporary. Because if this is going to be for good, it will be horrible and take a lot of adjustment.

I can only hope and pray that it returns ASAP. Until then, I will have to live the best I can. Wish me luck, eh?